I've spoken to Satan before about this topic, but never in this depth. We met at a new Starbucks on Lincoln and Colorado in Santa Monica. The devil was very excited about the Oscar Nominations, a pageantry Satan claims to have invented.
N: You invented the Oscars?
S: Like most things, I did not invent it. I invented what it has become.
N: What has it become.
S: The defense of the status quo.
N: Which is.
S: That white people are the smartest people on Earth and destined to rule the world.
N: What about "Beasts of the Southern Wild"?
S: I'm sure you've noticed that even movies that star non-white people always have race as an issue. "The Help" for example. "Django Unchained." That classifies these films as films about white people. You have to explain to the audience why a white man or woman is not the lead. That makes it a white movie by default.
N: But "Beasts of the Southern Wild" is not about that.
S: It's a white man's wet dream, dude.
N: Explain.
S: You have a girl who tries to act like a boy, always an awesome message of misogyny. You have a drunk black father. You have a Hurricane Katrina-eske situation where people don't want help. The visual style is borrowed from Levi's commercials. That was my idea. It's a white man's fantasy about poor black people. The message is: Black people are happy being poor and dirty. I love this movie. Don't cheapen my accomplishments.
N: Of course.
S: When was the last time you saw a movie like "Back to the Future" about non-white people?
N: You mean, a movie that had nothing to do with race?
S: You might have to go back to the original "Night of the Living Dead." You don't have to take my word for it. Look at the people at the Oscars or Sundance, the luncheons, the what have you's. It's all white. You need sunglasses to be anywhere near them.
N: And why is this necessary?
S: White people in cinema is a real estate. It's a terrain. White people own it and will defend it until you pry their dead fingers from it.
N: But why?
S: If you control what people see, you control everything. Why do you think in a dictatorship, Hitler, Kim-Jon ill, they always control the media first? In China, the government controls Google. They control what people see. Cinema has become global and white people control what people see all over the world. The message is: white people rule the world. Every poster says that.
N: Sundance too?
S: Look at Sundance's staff, for God's sake. Look at their movies. Go look at their schedule and come back and talk to me. Just do me a favor and do a search on Sundance pics and tell what you see. White people partying. Looking good. And so forth. You have to hand it to me, bro.
N: Okay, but why must white people rule the world?
S: We've talked about this already. But I love answering it. In 50 years, when the Earth reaches baked potato weather, no one will want to be white. But we have to make them think otherwise. That being white is the greatest accomplishment on this planet. And movies control that message.
N: Okay, let's talk about the Oscar noms.
S: Fire away, money.
N: I'll name the movie and you tell me the message.
S: Totally.
N: "Django Unchained."
S: Black people are the most submissive people on Earth.
N: Really.
S: That's what the DiCaprio's character said. The three things on the skull monologue. Trust me, that's all people remember when they leave the theatre. Next.
N:"Zero Dark Thirty."
S: White people have the right to kill anyone.
N: But it's Osama.
S: You never see him.
N: "Lincoln."
S: White people control your freedom.
N: "Silver Lining's Playbook."
S: White people deserve seconds chances. You notice there was a black guy in there right? He didn't deserve a second chance. He was a criminal. Bradley Cooper is a hero. I insisted on that.
N: "Amour"?
S: White people are wealthy. Did you see the apartment they lived in? They did pretty well.
N: "Argo."
S: White people must be protected. Did you see how those people lived? Even in hiding, they worse turtle necks and drank Pinot.
N: "Les Miserables."
S: White people are like everyone else. Poor, that is. Struggling. And so on. It's necessary to remake this thing every few years to remind people white people are only human.
N: "Life of Pi"?
S: White people understand you. You can't tell me you didn't notice the white boy listening to the story? He's the one who asked all the questions and... you know... wrote the book. It's all through the white guy's prism.
N: Okay, so what about Sundance?
S:"The Sundance Film Festival" could be a greater guardian to the white status quo than the Oscars, because people who don't know better still believe that Robert Redford's venue supports independent voices.
N: But it's doesn't.
S: Not if I have anything to say about it.
N: I heard a lot of good things about "Fruitvale." The film that won best picture.
[Satan laughs hysterically... for a while... people gaze at us... then the devil calms down...]
S: I love "Fruitvale." Have you seen it?
N: No.
S: Spoiler alert. It's about a black guy who goes to prison, straightens his life out and gets shot and killed. The message is: Black people don't deserve second chances - or any chances. Take him out.
N: Great. Well, thanks for clarifying that.
S: Okay, see you at the movies.
