COFFEE WITH SATAN: CHURCH + STATE, TOGETHER AGAIN

Last Memorial Day weekend, the devil and I talked about “The Separation of Church and State”, how one man almost single handedly glued Church and State back together again, how much of an inspiration this guy is to the devil. We met at the Starbucks in Marina Del Rey, off Admiralty.

S: I miss George.

N: So, W. really was evil.

S: Oh yeah.  He wasn't as evil as Chinaman and Rum Punch.

N: Do you mean, Cheney and Rumsfeld?

S: Right.  Or Range Rover.

N: Karl Rove?

S: I loved Range Rover.  And Last Rites.  She was awesome.

N: Is "Last Rites" Condoleezza Rice?

S: She was great.  She was the poorest millionaire in the group.  I called her "slumdog millionaire".  Still, she has an oil tanker named after her.  You know, they were the wealthiest cabinet in history.  W. was very proud of that.  

(S. cries at this point)

God, I miss them.  They were one of my favorite teams.  Like Celtics in the 60's or Lakers in the 80's. 

N: So, they were all...

S: All my failed plans for a Nazi take over were replenished in eight years.  The result was even greater than I anticipated.  As I said before, it made me lazy.

N: When we first met, you said you weren't directly behind 9/11...

S: With these guys, pure evil was on cruise control.  I didn't have to be.  I didn't even have to be the GM. I was on the board of advisors.  You don't have to micromanage Michael Jordan.

N: Let me play devil's advocate here.

S: Ha, ha.

N: How was "The Bush Administration" evil?

S: We can elaborate more, as you put it, on the group another time.  Today, let's focus on W.  

N: Okay.

S: But the long and short of it was that this group managed to glue church and state back together again. Those motherfucking forefathers had the balls to separate church and state and it took me a couple hundred years to put them back together – and I can say with certainty that the US is again a religious nation.  Hallelujah.

N: And of course, W. spearheaded this, since he's...

S: A Christian, yes, and his intention all along was to get everyone in America to be a Christian as well.  And when I interviewed George for the job...

N: You interview Presidential Candidates?

S: Duh.  I asked W. what his qualifications were?  Well, number one, he didn't even bring a resume.

N: And you know you had someone.

S: I was pretty excited.  After eight years of Clinton.  Motherfucker had the balls to balance the budget and shove health care up our asses. 

N: He didn't succeed.

S: No, but he created Cobra and other bullshit like that.

N: Did you have anything to do with his impeachment.

S: Everything.  But what the fuck does it matter?  He served both terms completely.  I was focused on the next guy by then.

N: Your wonder President.

S: Oh yeah.  And it wasn't easy.  I mean, think about how difficult it would have been if Gore won.  It took a lot of effort to steal that shit.

N: I still don't understand what's unconstitutional about recounting votes.

S: It's not.  Which is why it was so fucking difficult, dude.  We had to convince the American public it was "petty" and "whinny" and Gore was a sore loser, blah, blah. 

N: So, Gore won that.

S: Doesn't matter now. 

N: The world would have been much different.

S: Gore wanted to protect the planet.  We couldn't allow another Jimmy Carter in the White House.  Dickhead put solar panels in the White House for Chrissakes!  And actually said on TV that Americans were consuming too much and he was worried about where the country was headed.  NEXT!  So, let's get back to W.  I don't have a lot of time.

N: You're interviewing him.

S: Right.  So, you're interviewing a guy for the most important job on the planet.  He tells you, he had a DUI.  He went AWOL in the National Guard during the Vietnam War.  He was on coke.  Graduated College with a C average.  Bought an oil company with Dad's money and bankrupted it, but not before selling off all the stocks.  Bought the Texas Rangers with taxpayer's money.  Became Governor of Texas with the help of one of my favorite CEOs Ken Lay of Enron, the Babe Ruth of corporations.  I was loving this guy, already, as you can imagine.

N: Did you offer uh... W. the position, at this point.

S: I was dumbstruck.  I couldn't believe this dude existed.  Then, as Governor of Texas, his accomplishments included, but was not limited to, making Houston worse than Los Angeles in pollution.  You know what you have to do to beat LA in pollution?  This guy could do the impossible.  He cut taxes to the point where he bankrupted the Texas treasury.  I might have been masturbating in front of him by then.  He set the record for most executions.  I wanted to blow this guy.  I told W., look man, if you can what you did in Texas for the whole country, I think we got something here.

N: What did he say?

S: Right on.

N: You had your guy.

S: I made sure all his records went missing.  You can't find any of them.  Anywhere.  We basically used the same model in Germany to get Adolph in.  We shut down voting booths where we knew Gore would get a lot of votes.  And we did the same thing when he ran against Kerry.  By then, no one cared, so...

N: Okay, recap W.'s accomplishments.

S: We would be here all day.  Like talking about Michael Jordan.  But let's see here... I'm very proud that W. was the first President to have a criminal record, which is totally amazing.  He invaded two countries at the cost of a billion dollars week, totally fucking depleting America's $431 billion surplus, basically bankrupting the U.S. Treasury, and of course turning the dollar into a bitch currency.  It's lost about 50% value since motherfucker Clinton. 

N: This also ended the U.S. Superpower status.

S: No money, no honey.

N: What about Aids Awareness in Africa?  Wasn't W. behind that.

S: It's through the guise of organized religion.  If W. had one stain on his record, this would be it, but it wasn't.  If bringing White Jebus to Africa means bringing Aids Awareness or whatever, so be it.  Because ultimately, that's my favorite Prez.

N: White Jesus?

S: Totally.  Without that guy, nothing runs like a well oiled machine of evil.

N: Okay.

S: Look, after Adolph was gone, it was like Michael Jordan retired.  I didn't think I'd find another one.  But after Adolph, the world came together - except for Russia - and American became a Superpower.  After W. well....  You're going to experience that for a loooooooong fucking time.

My MVP shattered all records.  Biggest deficit in U.S. history.  Most private bankruptcies in any 12 month period.  First year in office, 2 million American lost their jobs.  Still holds the world record for the most corporate campaign donations.  Changed U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.  Appointed more convicted criminals to his administration than any President in U.S. history.  Broke more international treaties than any President in U.S.history.  First President in U.S. history to have the United Nations removed from the Human Rights Commission.

(I have to add here that S. looks like she or he is getting off on this.  Voice shakes.  Eye balls roll back a little.  People at other tables stare at us. )

S: Of course, he set the record for fewest numbers of press conferences of any President since the advent of television.  Set the all-time record for most days on vacation.  After taking off the entire month of August, 2001, he presided over, guess what, the worst security failure in U.S. history.

N: 9/11?

S: Bingo.  He set the all-time record for most people worldwide to

protest him in public venues.  I can go on and on.

N: Yeah, it's okay.

S: And he never found the perpetrator.  And now, church and state are back together again.  All you need to do with people is strike a little fear and bam, you can formulate any kind of government you want.

Anyway, bro, I'm going to think about this shit all day if I keep talking about it.  You want to anything else.  Espresso.  Cupcakes.

N: No thanks.

S: Hey, Happy Memorial Day.  Church and state, baby.  Back together again.

If you have any questions you’d like to ask the devil, please request them below.  

COFFEE WITH SATAN: MILK, IT DOES THE BODY GOOD

Milk.  Ever stop to think how bizarre it is that you drink the stuff?  That it's in everything.  As I've gotten older, I have gradually stopped drinking the stuff, for the simple reason that it makes me sick.  I asked Satan if s/he had anything to do with this.  And sure enough, the devil was very excited and had some pretty, pretty interesting things to say on the topic.  We met at the Starbucks on Westwood and Olympic, next door to Baskin Robbins.  

N: Milk is your creation.

S: The concept of drinking milk from other species is absolutely my invention, yes.  This was a 2,000  year plan – and it took off when we expected it to. 

N: Today, milk is in just about everything.

S: Hook, line and sinker.  Just shows you, everything good comes to those who wait. 

N: Or bad.

S: Yes.

N: Okay, why is drinking milk evil.

S: It’s actually very logical why milk is disagreeable to your body, if you stopped to think about it. 

N: But, part of your campaign is to eliminate thought –

S: Thinking is your greatest weapon, yes.  So, think of the times you’ve drunk milk.  Your stomach growls.   You feel like you’re going to shit a lighting bolt of  your ass. 

N: Right, it’s not a good feeling.

S: But you’re just so used to it that you it doesn’t register.  

N: Sure.  And it’s filling.

S: True.  That’s definitely why our milk campaign is as successful as it has been.  Milk is filling – even though it feels horrible in your body.

So, think about the milk definition now: it’s the primary source of nutrition for mammals – from the mamaries of their mothers – carrying the antibodies of the mother to the baby.

It’s one of nature’s purities and, I admit, grace – which is I why I harnessed it and turned it into pure evil.  We thought, let’s get people to drink the milk of other species – cows, goats, what have you – and when this first began, it was kind of weird.  Not everyone bought into it.

N: So, the vitamin D is what?

S: It’s there, but you’re suckling from the breast of another animal!   And now it’s weird if you DON’T do it.  Which is totally awesome, right? 

N: But, why is it bad for you?

S: Why is bestiality bad for you?  You’re basically making out with an animal.  The proteins of that animal is in your body.  Your body doesn’t  need the antibodies of that animal.  Your body doesn’t even recognize it.  The strange proteins confuses your body and fucks it up badly over time – and we got the world chugging gallons of this stuff – on a daily basis.  Give credit where credit is due, money!

N: So, it causes – cancer – diabetes –

S: It’s causing shit that hasn’t even been labeled yet – as well as D.C.H.D. – Diabetes, Cancer, Heart Disease.

N: I remember when I was kid watching cartoons, the milk commercials:

“Milk it does, milk it does –  ”

S: “- milk it does the body good.  Pass it on.” Yea, yea.  That’s me. 

N:  I recall finding it strange that the commercial was promoting just milk – not a brand of milk like Knudsen, Bordon or Swiss – just drink milk.  Any kind of milk.  Just drink it.

S: Right, it would be like a commercial that just says, drink soda – any kind of soda – doesn’t matter.  Just drink soda.  It’s good for you.  We haven’t been able to achieve that yet – but we came close with Vitamin Water.

N: Because of the word vitamin is on it.

S: Put vitamin on anything and people will spend money to put that vitamin thing in their mouths.  We’ve had bets.  You could put vitamin on dick and people will buy it and chug it.  I swear to god.  It’s one of my favorite words, Vitamin – not to mention that vitamins don’t really do anything for your health anyway.

N: Really.  What about all the vitamins in it.

(Satan laughs very uproariously.  He’s nearly in tears)

S: What vitamins.

N: Like A, C, E, all those –

S: You can’t isolate a vitamin.  Don’t you see, my teams has formed a habit wherein, let’s say you need vitamin C – you don’t reach for an orange or a lemon – you pop a pill that actually fucks you up – that says Vitamin C on it.

N: So, there’s not vitamin C in that pill?

S:  It’s like aborted vitamin C.   And have you seen the chemicals that is used to wrap the vitamin with?

N: Vitamin supplements are bad for you?

S:  You’re sucking vitamin C out of a fruit and stuffing into a pill made out of something toxic.   The more illogical it sounds, the more people are into it – it’s a amazing how laughable you people are, right?

N:  I don’t take vitamins. 

S: You did at some point.

N: So, milk is bad for you, vitamins are bad for you, and it’s common knowledge that a lot of the foods we eat is really bad for you -

S:  Bro, you have no idea –

N: What does making people sick do for you?

S: Most selfish people are sick people.  We’ve always been aiming for a society where people only think about themselves.  No matter how generous or kind you are, if you’re sick, you don’t give a fuck about anybody – your brain turns into oatmeal – the horrible shit you put in your body takes you down mentally – over time –

N: Just in the time for the holidays.

S: We’ll get to that, next time.  I gotta jam.  You want a Latte or something. 

N: No thanks.

S: It’s tasty.

N: One more quick question about milk – what about low fat – non fat milk?

S: Bonus.  I wish I created those.  But think about these things.  Milk, by definition, is fat.  So, non-fat milk is milk-less milk.  They use a chemical to strip the fat – and the remainder is just fat residue with chemical additives – it’s equal to having the grim reaper come in your mouth.  It’s so awesome.  I always tell my guys, we need to come up with the next non-fat milk “thing”.

COFFEE WITH SATAN: PLASTIC, A LOVE STORY

Plastic.  Everyday we buy plastic.  Then throw it away.  Have you ever considered where this crap goes?  What it’s made of?  Not surprisingly, Satan had plenty to say on the subject.  We met at the Starbucks in the Ralphs Shopping Center in Marina Del Rey on Independence Day.

N: Happy 4^th of July.

S: Yes, Happy Independence Day.  What would you like to discuss - slavery, the forefathers, fireworks.

N: As much as I’d like to, there is a more pressing topic.  Something we have not grown “independent of”, so to speak.

S: Speaketh, my friend.

N: I’ve used plastic my entire life.  And then thrown it away immediately.

S: God forbid you used it more than once.

N: I read that the average American produces 102 tons of garbage in their life.

S:  Stop it, stop it, I’m getting turned on.  Okay, continue.

N: As of 2010, the American population is 307,212,123.  Multiply that by –

S: That comes to 31 billion 335 million 636 thousand 546 tons of garbage.  I know the number by heart.  It’s a beautiful number.  But we’re talking ancient history.  That’s 2010.  We’re much further along, now.

N: And a good portion of what’s in that garbage is plastic.

S: Look, to fuck up a juicy planet up like this one, you have to pound it’s C.O.G., or center of gravity again and again – it’s a resilient fucking planet.  You have to keep hitting.  Hard!  For Earth, the C.O.G. is the water.  You fuck the water, you fuck the planet.  Our chemists have been working on different solutions for centuries.  It hasn’t been easy.  We’ve dumped all sorts of things in the water.

N: Such as oil spills.

S: Yes, but this is worse than an oil spill.  The BP thing is peanuts compared to what occurs on a daily basis.  35 % of fish have plastic in their stomachs, which is awesome – and guess who eats fish?

N: Wow.

S: Yes, those that eat fish have - guess what - in their bellies?

N: Hmmm.

S: Plastic is a testament to punishingly hard work and patience.  No overnight success here. 

N: Tell me about how you arrived at the… plastic concept?

S: The key to human evolution is food storage.  If you don’t have to hunt of your food, you have more time to do other stuff, like build weapons, watch TV, or do absolutely nothing but create invisible fears and nonexistent threats – which is what most people do.

N: Thanks to you.

S: You’re welcome.  So, of course, we didn’t at first see how this food storage thing could be an advantage, but poisoning food and water has always been the cornerstone of evil.  Such as the Pompeii thing.  They had a fantastic plumbing system, except that it was all lead – which made everyone crazy and fucked up.  So, we were always doing shit like this.

With the industrial revolution, we started out with cans and eventually it was

glass bottles – which were great for a few decades, and tons of the stuff wound up in the ocean, but the thing that bothered me was, nothing in glass had that “Pompeii Effect”.  It wasn’t unhealthy for the human to drink from glass.

N: So, you came up with plastic.

S: Plastic is also less tangible.  It looks more temporary.  It has that feel of something you could use once and throw away, guilt free.  Glass didn’t have that.  You throw it on the ground and you hear “thunk”, or it breaks or whatever.  You throw plastic in the garbage, you don’t hear anything. 

N: Silence.

S: No guilt.  Keep tossing that shit.  It’s all good.

N: Or bad.

S:  But a plastic jug, disappointingly, only takes 500 years to degrade.    A diaper takes 600 years.  Which is amazing.  I love dirty diapers.

N: 600 years for one diaper!

S: That’s an extra bonus, because the baby shit that would probably degrade in a month or so, gets to live an extra 600 years –

N: Stuck inside plastic, floating in the ocean somewhere.

S: If you calculate this, the generation that started using diapers will be fucking up their great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandchildren –

N: If we’re around that long.

S: Not if I have anything to do with it.

N: So, what you’re saying is, plastic jugs and diapers aren’t enough.

S: No, fuck no.  I mean, we got tons of this shit into oceans – and don’t get me wrong – I love plastic.  But it’s also too tangible.  And people are catching on that you have to recycle this stuff.  And the Chinese, they’re real cheap, they buy this stuff to rerproduce by the tons. 

N: But I still see a lot of people toss this stuff in the garbage. 

S: Yea, and that’s cool, but you have to understand something, this planet is a stubborn fucking cunt and you have to slam it, if you’re going to make it bleed.  And we want to make it bleed volcanoes.  We don’t want a period once a month.  We want two a week.   Maybe three.  It’s already happening.

N: So, what’s worse than a plastic jug that takes 500 years to degrade or a dirty diaper that takes 600?

S: Styrofoam.

N: Really?

S: Hallelujah.  A miraculous material that never degrades.  NEVER.

N: Styrofoam NEVER degrades?

S: Never.  It has – like – everlasting life?

N: It lives under any conditions, bro. It’s petroleum pudding.  And you guys use this crap on everything.  Packing meat.  To go trays in restaurants.  Styrofoam cups.  One go and it’s in the oceans or living in your soil.  Your dumb asses will be long gone, while this stuff lives. 

S: Wow.  So, it never dies.

N: Never dies.  Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER!   It’s a fucking vampire form of plastic.  I tried to get Starbucks to use this stuff.  McDonald’s too.  They use but not as much as I'd like them to.  I guess, I agree with that.  I mean, we have this shit everywhere.  And the petroleum from this crap bleeds into everything.

S: And it’s all over the oceans.

N: I wish I could come Styrofoam.  So listen, gotta go.  Happy Independence Day.  You want another coffee or pastry?