WHY DID SATAN APPOINT DONALD TRUMP AS PRESIDENT? (PART 1 OF 5)

It's been a while since Satan and  have had coffee together.  The truth was, he or she was too busy.  I'd try to reach out and would receive either no answer or I would receive something like,"hey, it's crazy right now.  Let's get together soon."  But clearly, that wasn't going to happen.  Finally, after years, Satan and I managed to get together to discuss Donald Trump, whom Satan claims to have put in office.   As before, I'm not allowed to say if Satan is a man, woman or child.  This conversation took place at the Starbucks in Paris at rue St.Germain.

N: It's been a while.

S: It has.

N: But the night of November 8th when  I saw all red states, I thought about you.

S: Red is my favorite color.

N: So, it was you who made Trump the Commander in Chief.

S: Indeed.

N: Why did it take you to get Trump the White House?

S: My job is to extract every evil fiber from the human being's body. Whether its through temptation, laziness, fear, ignorance, I find ways for people to make the wrong decisions and this time, it may have been my masterpiece.

N: This interview  is going to look like a liberal shoot out...

S: Of course, that's the way I designed it.  People don't see two candidates and wonder, who the best person for the job is, they think, "I don't want the humiliation of the other party winning.". Democrats are seen as communists and Republicans as white supremacists.  And that is the bottom line.  

N: You're saying Hillary was more qualified to be...

S: Any man who was Secretary of State during which the mastermind behind 9/11 was hunted and killed, that man would win all 50 states.  But I made Hillary seem bloodthirsty and show off-y.  

N: How did you achieve that.

S: Because she's not entertaining in any way and she is know it all-ish.  Remember that kid who always raised their hand in class that got straight A's.  You just wanted to smack that kid, right?  Well, that's her.  So, it's easy to make people from both parties hate her without reason.

N: Even liberals I knew didn't like her.

S: And I bet you anything, they couldn't explain it totally.  The email thing or she's a warmonger, or "people die when she's in charge" but people don't actually know why they dislike her.  There's actually no logical reason.  Anything she's suspected of, I can name a man who's done the same thing but worse.

N: Okay, the email thing.  What man has done it worse?

S: W erased millions of emails through private, RNC-owned accounts, to stop an investigation when he fired a pile of attorneys.  Mitt Romney wiped servers, sold government hard drives to his closest aides and spent 100 grand in taxpayer money to destroy these emails.  These things were barely mentioned.  Imagine if Crooked Hillary did any of those things? She would have been decapitated.  

N: So America is not ready for a female leader.

S: America is ready for a female leader, as seen in the case of Sarah Palin.  It just won't be any chick I don't approve first.  

N: Was Palin your work?

S: What do you think?  And if the market didn't crash, Palin would have been twice President.

N: Oh, the crash wasn't your work?

S: It was, it was just supposed to happen in January.  The market is super emotional, a typhoon that's difficult to tame.  Sarah was supposed to be Prez, then the market goes down. But we have something even better.  Heeeeere's Donnie!  

[Satan says this so loudly, People are glaring at us] 

Yeah, but Sarah would have been fun

N: What about McCain?

S: I've fired Presidents before. 

N: Literally?

S: And figuratively.

N: JFK? Nixon?

S: Both.  

N: You got rid of Nixon?  Why?  I would think you'd want to keep him for extra terms.

S: For creating the EPA.  

N: The Enviornmental Protection Agency?

S: I told him not to do it, he did.  So, I got rid of him.   And now, I'm a couple steps away from ripping apart the EPA.

N: So,  let's answer the question everybody wants answered, why did you get Donald Trump the most important job on Earth?  Why him?

S: There's two reasons.  The first being... Donnie owes me.  A lot.  

N: He owes you?

S: Oh yeah.  Not just money.  But tons of favors.  

N: Like.

S: Like everything -- his half dozen bankruptcies, his rape charges, I introduced him to the mafia guys he needed for Atlantic City,  you're talking about guy who has failed at everything but walked away scott free.  I'm the scott free part.  I've provided Donnie hundreds of get out of jail free cards.   On top of that, he owes me a lot of money.

N: How much?

Satan draws out the figure and shows it to me.

N: Wow.  Is that a number?

S: I charge a lot of interest. 

N: But still, why him, why not Jeb Bush or Rubio or...

S: Jeb and Ruby have zero entertainment value.  

N: You said kind of the same thing about Hillary.

S: Yes, they're not fun.  Gore, Jeb, Rubio, Mitt, Dukakis, Mondale, these guys are like watching paint dry.  Hillary is worse, because everyone deep down knows how overqualified she is.  People were dreading having to watch her on TV every night.  So, Hillary feels like something you have to do -- detention, church or taxes.  But no one will ever admit, they're not voting for her because she's booooring, they have to say, she did some evil email thing.  None of which, by the way was illegal in any way.  Colin Powell did it all the time.  No one cared.  

N: But you made it sound like the email thing, which no one I know can explain rationally, sound like the Bay of Pigs.

S: Look, I made the Clinton Foundation evil.  They've provided clean water for millions, disgusting right?  But I've made them sound like the Hell's Angels.  And forget about the Right,  I'm talking about Democrats.  They're the ones who were brainwashed into turning their backs on her.  I did zero work on the Right. 

N: So, Hillary is dull and Trump is great entertainment and that's how you achieved this?

S: America loves to watch Donnie.  He is a 100% wrecking ball.  He destroys everything he touches.  Literally, everything crumbles in his hands.  

N: What about The Apprentice, that was a success.  

S: A huge success.  But that's not Donnie.  I called in my chips already.  

N: You were already grooming him.

S: More than his barber, baby.  Donnie was falling apart at that time.  His casino empire crumbled into ashes.  He boasted multiple bankruptcies.  I got him out but, but he could no longer develop land, because he lost billions.  He hemmoragged money... I mean, he had nothing, except his trust.  He was a middle aged man  still getting an allowance from his father.   I told him, it's time you paid me back buddy.  You're going to run for office.

N: What did he say?  

S: I don't want to be a fucking fool.

N:  He didn't want revenge for what Obama did to him.

S: Sure, he always wants revenge, but he didn't think he could actually win.  

N: So, he agreed to run.  

S: He didn't even want to do "The Apprentice.". He thought reality TV was a joke. 

N: And then, it was a mega hit.

S: And that helped him pay me back some of his debt, you know, the money part.  He became famous again and leveraged the TRUMP brand globally and started creating things like Trump University, which was a complete scam and profoundly admirable.  But then NBC pulled the plug on Donnie.  But it was actually me,  I ended his tenure.

N:  Why?

S: He wouldn't want to run if he was still on TV.   At least not enthusiastically.  Even if he has to do what I say, I still have to convince him, to do it right.  It's not easy to put someone in the White House.  

N: Okay, the show is no more.  Then...

S: I said, Donnie, I have something better than the Apprentice.  You're going to run.

N: And he said he didn't want to be a fool.  He was afraid to lose?

S: He was afraid to win more.  He was like, just take me to hell now.  I don't think I can do this.  I said, don't worry Donnie, you're not going to win.  But look what running did for Palin, she was a nobody.  You're Donnie Trump.  It's going to take you to a new stratosphere just to run.  He bought it.  

N: Trump insulted everyone during the campaign.  Handicapped people, women he alledgely sexually harassed, war prisoners, and he never released his tax records... 

S: Can you imagine if Barrack or Hillary refused to release their tax records?  There would be riots in the streets.  But a businessman who has his name branded all over the globe, even in countries aggressive to the US, its totally cool to keep his taxes private.  I love it.

N: Right, so how does somebody like that win.

S: Fear.

N: Of?

S: Many things, but mainly change.  I've gotten a lot horrible regimes into societies by "fear of change." Nazis, Khmer Rouge, Mao Zedong. Human beings are scared shitless of change.  

N: Especially if they have everything they want.

S: Americans have a lot of things done for them, even the less fortunate ones.  Even if they spend their day in an office 9 to 5 and then go home and surf the internet all night or watch MSNBC or Fox and basically do the same thing 365 days a year, that's pleasurable to them and they will hold on to that with their cold dead fingers.

N: That's freedom.

S: Yes.  It's actually slavery, but they think its freedom.

N: And Trump represented "no change."

S: Well, the good old days.  Going back to how things once were.          

N: Which is the opposite of change.

S: It goes against evolution, yes.  Which is great.

N: Hillary represents change.

S: The scariest kind.  Women taking over the world. Becoming your boss.  Equal pay for both sexes.  Your wife brings home the bacon.  We're talking a "neutered society."

Where men are today's dogs.  Women take their husbands to the vet and have their balls cut off.

N:  I thought you said the country was ready for a female President.

S: They are.  It's just that Hillary is so not entertaining, she brings out the mysogyny in people, especially women. 

N: What do you mean, especially women?

S: Some women suffer from what I call "Auntie Tom" syndrome. 

N: That's like "Uncle Tom."

S: That's exactly it.  The chick version of "Uncle Tom.". Everyone is taught to hate women, but especially women.

N: By you.

S: Thank you and so, whenever a group is oppressed, like African American slaves, or women, many turn on each other trying to please the master.  It's a survival instinct.  Some slaves were grateful for what their masters gave them.  

N: So to explain why a woman would vote against a candidate who would fight for equal pay for women,  your reply is that women exercized the "Auntie Toms" inside them.  Even though they get less pay than men for the same job, they will actually vote against themselves because... what... they have gratitude?

S: Slavery is mental, not physical.  It's just like how you domesticate a dog.  You separate them from their families, give them a new name, tell them their sole purpose is to serve the master, usually in the house, that dog becomes what... man's best friend.  That's what women are still taught mostly around the world.  They're man's best friend.  The women who voted against Hillary support this view 100%, whether they understand or not.  It goes back generations and can't be grasped.

N: One of your signature achievements.

S: For sure.  And things will change, women will rule one day, but the human being is all the same to me.  I'll be there to manipulate that society and make them turn on each other.   Whether white people, Mexicans, Asians or black people run things, I will be there.   They've all ruled at some point and they collapsed like they always do.

N: But for now, you're making it appear like the Status Quo won?

S: Yes, even if female tennis players are paid the same as the men, that's new, that is  cataclysmic.  People are very vulnerable to fear right now.  You can make them do all sorts of stuff.  It doesn't matter if you're rich or a slave, change is very difficult.  Change is happening at lightning speed right now, so all the people who can't keep up are terrified of it.  And I prey on that.    The "grab their pussy" stuff, I leaked that.  It solidified Donnie's presidency.   

N: It showed that things haven't changed.  

S: Men are still men.  And that's secretly comforting.  

N: Trump is sort of a nostalgic figure himself.

S: Totally.  He was famous during the MTV generation.  Donnie talked about channeling Reagan, and the great feeling of America in the 80's.  Almost 40 years ago when CDs didnt even exist.  I told Donnie to say the Reagan stuff. What's funny is, Donnie is a much, much greater change than Hillary.  By the time his four years are up, America will not look the same anymore.   The planet itself will be very different, if I've done my work right.

N: Why are people so terrified of change?  Change is evolution.  It is the natural progression of things.

S: Because I'm portraying that change in an apocalyptic way.  Anything that's natural, evolutionary, when you feel fear from watching the news, chances are I planted that.  Look, hundreds of years ago, only Kings had everything they wanted. Most people worked 20 hours a day for a piece of bread.  But today, people can have everything they want.  The car, the video games, the phone, the whatever.  Now, like the kings, all you're thinking about is who might want to take it from you..  And if you're a man, you're very threatened.  And if you're a white man, the threat level is crazy.  Change equals losing your kingly things.  

N: You paint that picture.

S: Yes, totally,  Muslims, women, Mexicans, diseases, etc.  One of these evil things will take your car, apartment, dog, cat, children, phone away from you.  And now, if I can get you to make a decision based on that fear, like who to vote for, I have another slave.

N: Or Trump voter.

S: Fucking liberal, ha, ha.

N: So okay, let's be fair here, if the Republican party is the party fear, representing people who are afraid some strangers are going to invade their home and take what they have, what's the Democratic Party?

S: Look, there really is no Democratic or Republican Party.  If you were to lift up all of their principals since inception, both so-called parties shared ultimately the same values but at different times.  Lincoln's Republicans liberated African Americans and Donnie is re-enslaving them.  Nixon created the EPA.  Teddy Roosevelt protected National Parks.  Now, Pruitt is taking both apart with his bare hands.  He's putting the EPA into a paper shredder and having a yard sale on National Parks.  And the Alaskan Pipeline is bleeding like a stuck pig, ha, ha.

N: Okay, so Hillary represents change which is scary and Donald represents going back to the good old days.

S: Whenever you hear about nostalgia in politics, that is me.  You can't go back.  Human evolution is about going forward. 

N: But how did you get him to win?  I still don't understand.

S: Kennedy actually invented the strategy.  He called movie stars at night to ask for advice about how to manipulate his look, and modify his close up, and his hair and all that.  He understood the media.  Since then, that's how you won the White House.  Even though Donnie was very, very forward about who he is, whether he grabs pussies or whatever, people know that's its him they're voting for.  Whereas Hillary, you still don't know who she is.  

N: The person who most appears like themselves.

S: Like that's who they really are.  George W.Bush, Hillary's hubby, and especially Reagan.  They were very good at projecting a "genuine" image.  They're the entertainers.  

N: People will take "genuine" over good.

S: Definitely.  Because the "good" you're talking about appears "fake.". And like Donnie says, nobody wants to be a fucking fool.  Look, five hundred years ago, Donnie would have been a court jester and Hillary would have been the Queen of Whatever.

N: So, today court jesters run things.

S: And the real leaders, like Hillary, are left outside.  She would have been one of the greatest Presidents.

N: You're just saying that.

S: You'll never know now, will you?  The Bible warns you of false prophets for a reason.  I make the bad look "real" and the good look "untrustworthy."..  

N: And people make the choice.

S: People have to make the choice.  I can't just unleash evil.  I have to do it through people.  That's my job.  And once again, God owes me a beer.

N: You said there were two reasons why you wanted Trump to be President.  What's the second.  

S: What is the one thing God warns you about the most in The Bible, the most evil character - outside of me, of course.  

N: Homosexuality.

S: Come on, that's mentioned one time.  That was more of a germ thing.  I spun that, but no, that's not it.

N: I don't know, having your period.

S: That's also only mentioned once.  I wrote that, by the way, that teenage girls should be burned alive during that time of the month -- but it didn't catch on.  But that's still in the Bible.

N: Abortion.

S: Nothing about that in the Bible.  That's all me.  But that's another story.

N: Okay, who is the most vilified character in the Bible outside of you?

S: This is mentioned over 30 times in The Bible, if you don't believe me look it up.  The the one thing God repeatedly warns you not be... is a "rich man." And Donnie Trump is the ultimate "rich man."  Putting him in office is my big fuck you to God.

This is part I of 5 of my conversation with Satan about President Trump. In the next one, Satan elaborates on Trump in office, Scott Pruitt, and explains one of his favorite inventions, the Religious Right.

LOK YEY MEMORIES

There was a missed call from my brother.  He's called me many times, but for some reason, I knew something was wrong.  When I listened to his message, my jaw dropped.  "Lok Yey passed away about an hour ago," he said," at about 2:34 am." 

It was not 2:34 am where I was.  Cat Ba, Vietnam, where the time was about 6 pm in the afternoon.  The walls grew smaller in the already tiny hotel room.  Mich, my girlfriend of 14 years, looked at me and asked,"what's wrong?"  With a faraway look, I told her.  And she looked stunned too.  We just spend two months sleeping in my old room, across the hallway from my Grandma in Cypress.  Just two and a half weeks earlier, we heard her voice every night.  She had dementia and would scream for hours.

The truth was, we should have been prepared for my Grandmother's passing.  She was getting thinner and thinner, she was bedridden pretty much for the last three years, and, even though she was suffering from dementia, she was always stating that she wanted to die.  Sometimes, she was begging for death.  One time, while I was in the room with her, she kept slapping her own head and cried,"die, die, die!" to herself.  She was scolding her own body for being so resilient.  I kept trying to hold her arm, but even with me grabbing her arm, she was still able to tap her forehead.  Her survival skills were intense.  She gave it everything when she was alive.  As they say in basketball, she left every point on the court.


At 94, my Grandmother was an iron-willed survivor.  When Cambodia fell, she left her husband, and headed to the Thai border with my Aunt, Ming Heang, and my two year old cousin, Chan (who would later become my personal bully).  One of the last stories she told me when her mind was still stable was how when she left her house, her favorite dog kept following her.  She gestured for the dog to go back.  Over and over again.  "Go back home, I can't take you, I'm sorry... go back... I can't take you," she cried, as she told me this story.  She  told me her dog followed her for several blocks.  My Grandmother rarely cried. 

My Grandma made it to the Thai border, where she has to sell things to make enough money to get three people across.  Eventually, she managed to get to the United States with my Aunt and cousin.  But what she witnessed on that Thai border was so horrible, she stopped being a Buddhist permanently.  She saw monks partake in terrible things.  These scenarios replayed in her mind during her dementia.  You get an idea what happened.  I can't really repeat it, out of respect to her.  You just have to know, my Grandma became a Christian in America after what she saw. 

My Grandma didn't just become a Christian either.  She started the Cambodia Christian Church from her living room.  This grew into a church that thrives today with lots of members.  She never spoke at sermons or anything like that.  She just wanted a Christian Church to attend.  One didn't exist, so she made sure it existed.  She just wanted to be a regular member.  That's the kind of woman she was.  She made things happen and she was humble about it.

My brother and I moved to her house in Hawaiian Gardens when I was eight years old.  Back then, I saw a tranquil woman who loved to tend to her garden, watch her soap operas (One Life to Live and General Hospital), play Rubik's Cube, watch football and basketball (she was loyal to all California teams), and read her Bible.  Like most elderly Khmers, her bursts of anger were frightening.  Her words were upsetting.  But in hindsight, she just told it like was.  If you did something stupid (which we do 99% of the day), she would call you on it.  She never got upset for no reason.  She told it like she saw it. And most of us don't like the truth.  But that never stopped her from saying it.  Now, if you judged her by her actions, you saw a profoundly generous person.  For example, she knew I loved cherry tomatoes, so she would pick bowls of cherry tomatoes for me, when they were in season.  She did lots of things like this.  She did so many nice things for you that you hardly noticed them.  She never wanted credit for being nice.  She just wanted you to learn how to survive.  That was her reward.

I have memories of different people sleeping in her house.  Folks who escaped the Khmer Rouge got a second chance in America.  Their first stop was my Grandma's living room.  They would stay there for six months or so, get on their feet and find their own place.  Many of these people became successful.  While staying with her, she also made them go to church (she made everyone go to church at one point or another), but that was because the Christian philosophy had done so much for her.    She wanted to share the peace of her chosen religion.  I don't think any of these folks were Christians, they just went to church to please her.

If you wanted to please her, you went to church with her.  As kids, we had no choice.  We went.  But she gave us so much.  And asked so little.  What's your Sunday morning for a Grandma who is doing so much for you?  That's why I watched football and basketball with her.  Football particularly was very strange when I first saw it on TV.  I didn't want to watch it.  But there was Grandma was on Monday Nights, glued to the TV, while the Raiders and Steelers were crushing each other into a bloody mess.    I asked her questions about football and she explained it to me.  Still, football didn't make it any sense, but we would watch football together.  I have fond memories of this.  She loved the Rams, Raiders, Lakers, 49ers... when the St.Louis Rams won the Superbowl in 2000, she calmly said to me, "finally, Los Angeles won a Superbowl."  I didn't have to heart to tell her they were in St.Louis.  I agreed,"yes Grandma, LA finally won one."  She was very pleased the LA Rams had emerged champions.  Since they're now back in LA, it wasn't a total deception.

When I tell my sports buddies, my Cambodian Grandma taught me how to watch football, they don't know what to make of it.  I never thought it was peculiar, because that was what was normal to me, but I've been thinking about her 24/7 since she passed away.  I think I understand why she liked to watch sports now.  The greatest moments in a football or basketball is when the athlete has almost no time and left and must make a decision that will affect the outcome of the game.  My Grandma had made those pressure decisions in her life.  She understood the life or death situation intimately.  When she saw Joe Montana drive to the end zone with seconds left on the clock, she knew the feeling.  Watching sports was cathartic for her.  Just as watching General Hospital was (but that's another story).

She understood survival.  She was very conscious of her existence.  When I hear about a 90 or 100 year old woman who's still around (its usually a woman and not a man), I'm always amazed that this person has seen so much, the advent of the industrial revolution, airplanes, television, refridgerators, first man on the moon, etc.  My Grandma lived through shocking change and adapted in the most extreme conditions.  She didn't just survive these events, she helped others survive these events.  She was a leader, though she never considered herself one.  Her philosophy was that anything could be done.  In the end, she was perfect for America. 

On my way to Cambodia, I was told by my my Aunt, Mum Soth, that a ceremony was being held in a Buddhist Temple in Poitpet, on the border of Thailand.  I was almost in Phnom Penh at this time.  I looked up how to get to Poitpet on the web right away.  Trip Advisor and all the travel site basically called this city "the armpit of Cambodia" and "no place you want to be."  Of course, I couldn't wait to get there.

And suddenly, it dawned on me, my Grandma made the same trip, though hers was a million times more difficult.  Poitpet is the border town in Cambodia that connects to Thailand.  Grandma must have been here.  And now, I'm going there to mourn her.  In the same trajectory.  As the bus passed small towns, people loaded in trucks, and stray dogs, I thought deeply about her.  About the journey that defined her humanity.  She became stronger, more whole as a result of what she endured.

My Poipet was very kind.  I ate traditionally Cambodian food in your typical hole in the wall restaurant.  Food she used to cook.  Every bite brought me back to another memory of my Grandma in the kitchen, deep frying something. 

And the monks I met... they were incredibly kind and giving.  They had her picture on an altar, in their majestic temple.  Streams of flowers.  Tons of offerings had been made to her., including sweets things (Grandma had great sweet tooth, sometimes plopping as much as 6 sugar cubes in her coffee).

I stayed in Lok Krou's house that night, next to the temple.  The head teacher.  At night when the heat was crushing me and I couldn't sleep, I thought about my Grandma at the temple next door.  She didn't like laziness.  So, I was provoked to work.  So, I worked and I read a little bit.  My Grandma loved to read.  A month ago, I was reading in her room and she asked me,"what are you reading, can I read too?"  I would show her the book, and she would say,"that's French, I can't read that."  But I could tell, she missed reading.  So I stopped reading while hanging out in her room.  But tonight, sleeping near her, I read and thought about her. 

Despite being the middle of the night, the heat was severe, easily above 100.  I saw lizzards crawling on the ceiling. I felt something wet on my stomach like a tongue.  It was a frog.  I shooed him away and went back to sleep, but the frog kept coming back.  Soon, I stopped moving.  The frog's cold body felt good.

The next morning, I visited my Grandma again.  The light was perfect on her image.  I said, "I am here in the part of Cambodia were you last were.  It's peaceful now.  I am happy you are not in pain anymore.  You have existed like no one I have ever known, Grandma.  Goodbye and thank you for everything you did.  I will always think of you."

It was then I understood why my Grandma could never convince anyone close to her to become a Christian.  She wanted us to worship Jesus Christ, an estranged God we could not really relate to.  When it was her we worshiped.

YOU'LL NEVER FEEL THE SMOOTHNESS OF A SIDEWALK AGAIN

4:59 am, Hanoi, Vietnam, but in Los Angeles, it's about 2:29 pm, and that's where my mind is and will likely remain for a while.    We are up early.  Before the rooster next door (who would crow at 5:24 am. )

What did I see that I've never see before...

1. In Tai Pei, one out of every ten people wear masks, because they're either sick or afraid to get sick... Mich was saying, its like they're all looking to perform surgery.    I was thinking, it's scary to see little children, playing tag, wearing surgical masks.

2. On the flight via Eva Air, the food was strangely awesome, and people were bizzarely nice.   I was skeptical about Eva, because I had never heard of them until we bought a ticket and then, I imagined stewardesses dressed up in Hello Kitty outfits.

The whole Eva Air staff from the moment we checked in at LAX was out of their way friendly.  Reading our names carefully, frst and last like we were accepting diplomas.  Asking us if we had everything, our tickets and so on.  I haven't been asked that many questions since 6th grade camp.

Mich and I have been travelling for 3 years, and they're never this nice.    Is this how travelling to places outside Europe is like?

3. During the first stretch, the 15 hour mother of all flights, the not dressed like Hello Kitty stewardess would offer a variety of juices, apple, orange or pineapple, but they didn't have pineapple, so she said, "would you like pineapple juice later?"  Mich and I both opted for,"pineapple juice later."

Eva Air food included really well made rice with chicken or pork and a couple pieces of vegetables
that tasted bitter, because it was real.  Meaning, there were real, live nutrients in these vegetables?!  What happened to the tasteless, American veggies?  Yes, you miss even the things that harm you.

4. In Tai Pei, there was a religious area where people could pray.  And they were broken down into three, for three different religions.  The icon of a man normally used for the bathroom was converted into the icon of a man kneeling down.  One of the religions had the reverse Swastika symbol.  I can see Nazi travellers accidentlly going in that room, getting a bad wake up call.

5. Landing in Hanoi, white people are rifling through their kindles and iPads, waiting for their visas (I am alas part of this group).  I was concerend that we needed a return ticket, since we are in, you know, a Communist society (my first, yes, I finally lost my Commie virginity).

6. The streets of Hanoi are beehiving with mopeds.  They own this city.  One people, two people, three, many checking their cell phones, sending texts, barely avoiding crashing into each other by a matter of inches.  Some are hauling huge cardboard boxes bigger than themselves.   Imagine the homeless guy who's got every inch of his shopping cart filled, but its not a shopping cart, its a moped.  It's astonishing what you can put on a moped, along with one passenger.

I haven't been to South East Asia since I was 16 months old.  I am back.  And one of the things I took for granted was sidewalks.  There are NO SIDEWALKS here.  Well, there are, but they're parking spots for mopeds.  You don't walk on them.  If there's any slab of concrete, someone is cooking on it,.  The streets are shared by cars, people and mopeds alike.  Crossing the streets is an amazing experience that is like being in a musical, where we're all one, moving, stopping, slowing in harmony.

7. Finally, the HONKING... being from LA, getting HONKED means one thing to me, "fuck you."  In Hanoi, when a driver honks at you, it means "what's up"... people honk to make you aware of their proximity.  They're saying ,"I'm right behind you, be careful."  

FIRST THREE PAGES OF "THE WIFE MASTER" SCREENPLAY

Written by Norith Soth and Mich Medvedoff


INT. BORA’S CAR – DAY

Bora drives a heap of junk.   His destination is clear only to him, but it’s certain he is on a mission. Right now, he is trying to find a parking space.

BORA: I can't believe this shit.  Parking is so unavailable.

He drives around and curses a little more... and finally he sees a spot, though a jaywalker has to go past him before he can claim it.

BORA: Get the fuck out of way.

He is about to take the spot when he is distracted by

A GUY ON A BIKE

Bora tries to take out his camera and get a picture but doesn't do it on time.  He seems to ponder whether he should take the spot or follow the guy... and decides on following the guy.

BORA:  Should I pursue him?

Peeling down the block.  Bora tries to drive and take a picture at the same time.

But the biker is too fast.  Bora isn't sure if he got his picture.

BORA: That biker is so brusque.  How can I ever capture him.

EXT. PARKING SPOT - DAY

Bora returns to the available spot, but it is taken.  

BORA:  Fuck.  People are so opportunistic.

EXT. VENICE BOARDWALK - DAY

Bora walks determinedly.  His eyes dart, clearly focused on something or someone.

A GUY EATING LIKE A SLOB

Bora clicks pictures with his CAMERA.  Click... Click... Click...  The slob never knows.

EXT. VENICE BOARDWALK - DAY

A GUY IS FLIRTING WITH A WITH GIRL

Bora takes pictures.  The guy is never aware.

BORA:  I can't believe he's flirting with her.  She's so mediocre.

EXT. VENICE BOARDWALK - DAY

A GROUP OF GUYS TOSS A FOOTBALL AROUND

Bora takes their pictures.  One of the guys leers at him.  Under his breath, Bora mutters...

BORA: Fuck are you looking at?  Beer gut.

The guy looks frightened and resumes tossing the football.  Even though he's much bigger than Bora.

EXT. VENICE BOARDWALK - DAY

A GUY AND HIS GIRLFRIEND BROWSE FOR POSTCARDS

Bora snaps some shots.  The girlfriend seems to be leering at him with evil eyes.   There is a back and forth exchange before she finally addresses him.

GIRLFRIEND: Excuse me, are you taking our picture.

Bora ignores her.

GIRLFRIEND: Hey, are you taking our picture.

BORA: I'm taking a picture of the beach.  God.

Bora walks away.

The girlfriend is puzzled.  

EXT. STREETS - DAY

A GUY CARRIES HIS SURFBOARD TO HIS CAR

Bora is right behind, getting shots.  

EXT. BEACH - DAY

A DOZEN SURFERS RISE OUT OF THE OCEAN  

And Bora is there snapping shots, but there are too many of them.  They walk past him like a herd of rare buffalos.

One surfer tries to get the other surfers to go have a beer with him but they all express various excuses and go their separate ways - literally separate directions.

Bora desperately takes pictures but can't seem to make up his mind which direction to go.  

EXT. PARKED CAR - END OF DAY

Bora has a ticket on his windshield.  

BORA: God, this is so foreboding.

Tears the ticket, looks at it.

BORA: Sixty bucks.  These meter maids are so insatiable.

INT. BORA'S CAR - DAY

Bora drives like a madman.  We see numerous instant cameras in the backseat.  As well as plastic bags and other items.  

EXT. SIDE OF FREEWAY - DAY

Bora's car is up in smoke.  He has to pull over to pour water into his engine.

BORA: This fucking sucks.

Bora calls someone for help.

BORA (to cell): Hello, hey, my car is overheating, fuck, I don't know what to do... should I open the radiator... I should wait a half hour... here?... fuck... I'm right in the middle of... can I wait less than a half hour... twenty minutes... okay, I'll wait twenty minutes... what about 10 minutes, can I wait 10 minutes?

COFFEE WITH SATAN: WHY SATAN INVENTED THE OSCARS AND SUNDANCE

I've spoken to Satan before about this topic, but never in this depth.  We met at a new Starbucks on Lincoln and Colorado in Santa Monica.  The devil was very excited about the Oscar Nominations, a pageantry Satan claims to have invented.

N: You invented the Oscars?

S: Like most things, I did not invent it.  I invented what it has become.

N: What has it become.

S: The defense of the status quo.

N: Which is.



S: That white people are the smartest people on Earth and destined to rule the world.

N: What about "Beasts of the Southern Wild"?

S: I'm sure you've noticed that even movies that star non-white people always have race as an issue.  "The Help" for example.  "Django Unchained."   That classifies these films as films about white people.  You have to explain to the audience why a white man or woman is not the lead.  That makes it a white movie by default.

N: But "Beasts of the Southern Wild" is not about that.

S: It's a white man's wet dream, dude.

N: Explain.

S: You have a girl who tries to act like a boy, always an awesome message of misogyny.  You have a drunk black father.  You have a Hurricane Katrina-eske situation where people don't want help.  The visual style is borrowed from Levi's commercials.  That was my idea.  It's a white  man's fantasy about poor black people.  The message is: Black people are happy being poor and dirty.  I love this movie.  Don't cheapen my accomplishments.

N: Of course.

S: When was the last time you saw a movie like "Back to the Future" about non-white people?





N: You mean, a movie that had nothing to do with race?

S: You might have to go back to the original "Night of the Living Dead."  You don't have to take my word for it.  Look at the people at the Oscars or Sundance, the luncheons, the what have you's.  It's all white.  You need sunglasses to be anywhere near them.

N: And why is this necessary?

S: White people in cinema is a real estate.  It's a terrain.  White people own it and will defend it until you pry their dead fingers from it.



N: But why?

S: If you control what people see, you control everything.  Why do you think in a dictatorship, Hitler, Kim-Jon ill, they always control the media first?  In China, the government controls Google.  They control what people see.  Cinema has become global and white people control what people see all over the world.  The message is: white people rule the world.  Every poster says that.

N: Sundance too?

S: Look at Sundance's staff, for God's sake.  Look at their movies.  Go look at their schedule and come back and talk to me.  Just do me a favor and do a search on Sundance pics and tell what you see.  White people partying.  Looking good.  And so forth.  You have to hand it to me, bro.

N: Okay, but why must white people rule the world?

S: We've talked about this already.  But I love answering it.  In 50 years, when the Earth reaches baked potato weather, no one will want to be white.  But we have to make them think otherwise.  That being white is the greatest accomplishment on this planet.  And movies control that message.

N: Okay, let's talk about the Oscar noms.

S: Fire away, money.

N: I'll name the movie and you tell me the message.

S: Totally.

N: "Django Unchained."

S: Black people are the most submissive people on Earth.

N: Really.

S: That's what the DiCaprio's character said.  The three things on the skull monologue.  Trust me, that's all people remember when they leave the theatre.  Next.

N:"Zero Dark Thirty."

S: White people have the right to kill anyone.

N: But it's Osama.

S: You never see him.

N: "Lincoln."

S: White people control your freedom.

N: "Silver Lining's Playbook."

S: White people deserve seconds chances.  You notice there was a black guy in there right?  He didn't deserve a second chance.  He was a criminal.  Bradley Cooper is a hero.  I insisted on that.

N: "Amour"?

S: White people are wealthy.  Did you see the apartment they lived in?  They did pretty well.

N: "Argo."

S: White people must be protected.  Did you see how those people lived?  Even in hiding, they worse turtle necks and drank Pinot.

N: "Les Miserables."

S: White people are like everyone else.  Poor, that is.  Struggling.  And so on.  It's necessary to remake this thing every few years to remind people white people are only human.

N: "Life of Pi"?

S: White people understand you.  You can't tell me you didn't notice the white boy listening to the story?  He's the one who asked all the questions and... you know... wrote the book.  It's all through the white guy's prism.

N: Okay, so what about Sundance?

S:"The Sundance Film Festival" could be a greater guardian to the white status quo than the Oscars, because people who don't know better still believe that Robert Redford's venue supports independent voices.




N: But it's doesn't.

S: Not if I have anything to say about it.

N: I heard a lot of good things about "Fruitvale."  The film that won best picture.

[Satan laughs hysterically... for a while... people gaze at us... then the devil calms down...]

S:  I love "Fruitvale."  Have you seen it?

N:  No.

S:  Spoiler alert.  It's about a black guy who goes to prison, straightens his life out and gets shot and killed.  The message is: Black people don't deserve second chances - or any chances.  Take him out.

N: Great.  Well, thanks for clarifying that.

S: Okay, see you at the movies.

POLICE MAN: EPISODE "TRASH TALK"

"Police Man" is a collection of events about a cop who's been a cop for a long time...

“1 Charlie 37, CP called from 937 Gaviota #4, regarding a dispute with her neighbor.”

Chuck had been to this complex before.  Wouldn’t be the last either.  He was working alone that night.

“CP stated that the neighbor put the trash can in front of her window, and it smelled bad.”

Every call matters.  Every citizen matters.  The Miranda Act matters.  That’s what he kept telling himself.

The apartment complex at 937 Gaviota was like recreational center.  In a prison.  Chuck pulled black and white askew.  Stepped out.

Kids in the streets leered at him.  Even though it was dark, they were still playing.  He smiled back.  Even if the kids looked scared.  Kids were always scared of him.  Except, there was usually one smart ass kid that wasn’t scared.  He was usually fat.  And asked stupid questions.  Like:

“Hey, Mr.Cop, how many bullets does your gun hold?”

Chuck stopped answering these irrelevant questions 17 years ago… when he was rookie.

“Get back.  Police business,” he commanded the child, shutting him up.  Being a cop meant knowing how to shut people up.  Children were people too.

The courtyard was a shithole.  Black single women who had babies at 17.  Can’t even afford to eat McDonald’s 99 cents menu.  What were they thinking when they got knocked up?  A great wall of baby strollers and mothers playing “Angry Birds” on the iPhone they bought with food stamps.

“Bang! Bang! Bang!”

Chuck hammered Door #4.  Took a couple minutes before it opened. Chuck heard the voice before the saw the person. 

“Finally!”

The “F” bomb was about the last word a cop wanted to hear.  Yea, cops should drop whatever they’re doing to take care your emergency situation. 

“I called because my next door neighbor put the trash can in front of my window. Smell horrible.  If you don't believe me, go and check it. It's still there.”

Female White… 5”3… 170… Fifties.  Brown night gown.  White trash.

“Why am I here?” asked Chuck.

“He should not put the trash can in front of my window!”

 “You did not answer my question. WHY AM I HERE?”

 “Well, you're the police .  Do something about it.”

“Do I look like a trash collector to you?  Stop calling the police about nonsense stuff. Talk to your manager or owner.  It's not a police matter.”

Chuck walked away shook his head and walked away.   This time, he didn’t smile at the kids.  It was too dark anyway. 

Their body language gave him the impression he was a criminal, like he did something wrong.  Let’s see what these kids would do with no cops on the streets.  They’d be at the mercy of the evil.  Kids did not truly know what evil was.  Even adults didn’t know.  Only cops knew.  Chuck had seen things normal person would never see.  They would go through their entire lives without understanding pure evil.  Civilization, in a nutshell.

“1 Charlie 37, CP called from #3, regarding your last call. He wants contact about the neighbor dispute!”

Chuck being the nearest cop had to answer the call…

… and return to 937 Gaviota Door #3…

Kids were still on the streets.  Mothers still in the courtyard.  Strollers.  Talking on their iPhones.  Playing Angry Birds.  Chuck considered himself pretty adept at Angry Birds.  He’d kick these women’s asses in Angry Birds.

“Bang!  Bang!  Bang!” His fist pounded the door.

 “POLICE.  Open the door!” Chuck felt like a disrespected pizza man.  They call emergency and take forever to open the door.

What was behind Door #3?  Black Male.  Seventies.  5’7.  150 lbs.  Blue tee-shirt.   Black jeans.  Sandals.  The old man actually gets out of his apartment.  Confronts Chuck. 

“I called you because this girl is prejudice. She hates black people.

She kept pulling the trash can, and putting it in my front door. And it's not the first time.”

“I just spoke to her. Call your manager or owner to take care of your problem.  It's not my problem.”

“I took a video camera when she did it. I have proof.  I have hard evidence.”

This old man watches too much TV.  Hard evidence my ass.

“Why am I here?  What's wrong with you people?”

“What's wrong with my people? Now you called me A NIGGER?  There's nothing wrong with my people.  SHE'S FUCKING PREJUDICE!”

“I didn't call you anything.  You both are as old as grandparents, but behave like two little kids.  This is not a police problem.  STOP CALLING THE POLICE.”

Chuck returned to the black and white.  Every call matters.  Every citizen matters.  The radio crackled for the next one…