WHY DID SATAN APPOINT DONALD TRUMP AS PRESIDENT? (PART 1 OF 5)

It's been a while since Satan and  have had coffee together.  The truth was, he or she was too busy.  I'd try to reach out and would receive either no answer or I would receive something like,"hey, it's crazy right now.  Let's get together soon."  But clearly, that wasn't going to happen.  Finally, after years, Satan and I managed to get together to discuss Donald Trump, whom Satan claims to have put in office.   As before, I'm not allowed to say if Satan is a man, woman or child.  This conversation took place at the Starbucks in Paris at rue St.Germain.

N: It's been a while.

S: It has.

N: But the night of November 8th when  I saw all red states, I thought about you.

S: Red is my favorite color.

N: So, it was you who made Trump the Commander in Chief.

S: Indeed.

N: Why did it take you to get Trump the White House?

S: My job is to extract every evil fiber from the human being's body. Whether its through temptation, laziness, fear, ignorance, I find ways for people to make the wrong decisions and this time, it may have been my masterpiece.

N: This interview  is going to look like a liberal shoot out...

S: Of course, that's the way I designed it.  People don't see two candidates and wonder, who the best person for the job is, they think, "I don't want the humiliation of the other party winning.". Democrats are seen as communists and Republicans as white supremacists.  And that is the bottom line.  

N: You're saying Hillary was more qualified to be...

S: Any man who was Secretary of State during which the mastermind behind 9/11 was hunted and killed, that man would win all 50 states.  But I made Hillary seem bloodthirsty and show off-y.  

N: How did you achieve that.

S: Because she's not entertaining in any way and she is know it all-ish.  Remember that kid who always raised their hand in class that got straight A's.  You just wanted to smack that kid, right?  Well, that's her.  So, it's easy to make people from both parties hate her without reason.

N: Even liberals I knew didn't like her.

S: And I bet you anything, they couldn't explain it totally.  The email thing or she's a warmonger, or "people die when she's in charge" but people don't actually know why they dislike her.  There's actually no logical reason.  Anything she's suspected of, I can name a man who's done the same thing but worse.

N: Okay, the email thing.  What man has done it worse?

S: W erased millions of emails through private, RNC-owned accounts, to stop an investigation when he fired a pile of attorneys.  Mitt Romney wiped servers, sold government hard drives to his closest aides and spent 100 grand in taxpayer money to destroy these emails.  These things were barely mentioned.  Imagine if Crooked Hillary did any of those things? She would have been decapitated.  

N: So America is not ready for a female leader.

S: America is ready for a female leader, as seen in the case of Sarah Palin.  It just won't be any chick I don't approve first.  

N: Was Palin your work?

S: What do you think?  And if the market didn't crash, Palin would have been twice President.

N: Oh, the crash wasn't your work?

S: It was, it was just supposed to happen in January.  The market is super emotional, a typhoon that's difficult to tame.  Sarah was supposed to be Prez, then the market goes down. But we have something even better.  Heeeeere's Donnie!  

[Satan says this so loudly, People are glaring at us] 

Yeah, but Sarah would have been fun

N: What about McCain?

S: I've fired Presidents before. 

N: Literally?

S: And figuratively.

N: JFK? Nixon?

S: Both.  

N: You got rid of Nixon?  Why?  I would think you'd want to keep him for extra terms.

S: For creating the EPA.  

N: The Enviornmental Protection Agency?

S: I told him not to do it, he did.  So, I got rid of him.   And now, I'm a couple steps away from ripping apart the EPA.

N: So,  let's answer the question everybody wants answered, why did you get Donald Trump the most important job on Earth?  Why him?

S: There's two reasons.  The first being... Donnie owes me.  A lot.  

N: He owes you?

S: Oh yeah.  Not just money.  But tons of favors.  

N: Like.

S: Like everything -- his half dozen bankruptcies, his rape charges, I introduced him to the mafia guys he needed for Atlantic City,  you're talking about guy who has failed at everything but walked away scott free.  I'm the scott free part.  I've provided Donnie hundreds of get out of jail free cards.   On top of that, he owes me a lot of money.

N: How much?

Satan draws out the figure and shows it to me.

N: Wow.  Is that a number?

S: I charge a lot of interest. 

N: But still, why him, why not Jeb Bush or Rubio or...

S: Jeb and Ruby have zero entertainment value.  

N: You said kind of the same thing about Hillary.

S: Yes, they're not fun.  Gore, Jeb, Rubio, Mitt, Dukakis, Mondale, these guys are like watching paint dry.  Hillary is worse, because everyone deep down knows how overqualified she is.  People were dreading having to watch her on TV every night.  So, Hillary feels like something you have to do -- detention, church or taxes.  But no one will ever admit, they're not voting for her because she's booooring, they have to say, she did some evil email thing.  None of which, by the way was illegal in any way.  Colin Powell did it all the time.  No one cared.  

N: But you made it sound like the email thing, which no one I know can explain rationally, sound like the Bay of Pigs.

S: Look, I made the Clinton Foundation evil.  They've provided clean water for millions, disgusting right?  But I've made them sound like the Hell's Angels.  And forget about the Right,  I'm talking about Democrats.  They're the ones who were brainwashed into turning their backs on her.  I did zero work on the Right. 

N: So, Hillary is dull and Trump is great entertainment and that's how you achieved this?

S: America loves to watch Donnie.  He is a 100% wrecking ball.  He destroys everything he touches.  Literally, everything crumbles in his hands.  

N: What about The Apprentice, that was a success.  

S: A huge success.  But that's not Donnie.  I called in my chips already.  

N: You were already grooming him.

S: More than his barber, baby.  Donnie was falling apart at that time.  His casino empire crumbled into ashes.  He boasted multiple bankruptcies.  I got him out but, but he could no longer develop land, because he lost billions.  He hemmoragged money... I mean, he had nothing, except his trust.  He was a middle aged man  still getting an allowance from his father.   I told him, it's time you paid me back buddy.  You're going to run for office.

N: What did he say?  

S: I don't want to be a fucking fool.

N:  He didn't want revenge for what Obama did to him.

S: Sure, he always wants revenge, but he didn't think he could actually win.  

N: So, he agreed to run.  

S: He didn't even want to do "The Apprentice.". He thought reality TV was a joke. 

N: And then, it was a mega hit.

S: And that helped him pay me back some of his debt, you know, the money part.  He became famous again and leveraged the TRUMP brand globally and started creating things like Trump University, which was a complete scam and profoundly admirable.  But then NBC pulled the plug on Donnie.  But it was actually me,  I ended his tenure.

N:  Why?

S: He wouldn't want to run if he was still on TV.   At least not enthusiastically.  Even if he has to do what I say, I still have to convince him, to do it right.  It's not easy to put someone in the White House.  

N: Okay, the show is no more.  Then...

S: I said, Donnie, I have something better than the Apprentice.  You're going to run.

N: And he said he didn't want to be a fool.  He was afraid to lose?

S: He was afraid to win more.  He was like, just take me to hell now.  I don't think I can do this.  I said, don't worry Donnie, you're not going to win.  But look what running did for Palin, she was a nobody.  You're Donnie Trump.  It's going to take you to a new stratosphere just to run.  He bought it.  

N: Trump insulted everyone during the campaign.  Handicapped people, women he alledgely sexually harassed, war prisoners, and he never released his tax records... 

S: Can you imagine if Barrack or Hillary refused to release their tax records?  There would be riots in the streets.  But a businessman who has his name branded all over the globe, even in countries aggressive to the US, its totally cool to keep his taxes private.  I love it.

N: Right, so how does somebody like that win.

S: Fear.

N: Of?

S: Many things, but mainly change.  I've gotten a lot horrible regimes into societies by "fear of change." Nazis, Khmer Rouge, Mao Zedong. Human beings are scared shitless of change.  

N: Especially if they have everything they want.

S: Americans have a lot of things done for them, even the less fortunate ones.  Even if they spend their day in an office 9 to 5 and then go home and surf the internet all night or watch MSNBC or Fox and basically do the same thing 365 days a year, that's pleasurable to them and they will hold on to that with their cold dead fingers.

N: That's freedom.

S: Yes.  It's actually slavery, but they think its freedom.

N: And Trump represented "no change."

S: Well, the good old days.  Going back to how things once were.          

N: Which is the opposite of change.

S: It goes against evolution, yes.  Which is great.

N: Hillary represents change.

S: The scariest kind.  Women taking over the world. Becoming your boss.  Equal pay for both sexes.  Your wife brings home the bacon.  We're talking a "neutered society."

Where men are today's dogs.  Women take their husbands to the vet and have their balls cut off.

N:  I thought you said the country was ready for a female President.

S: They are.  It's just that Hillary is so not entertaining, she brings out the mysogyny in people, especially women. 

N: What do you mean, especially women?

S: Some women suffer from what I call "Auntie Tom" syndrome. 

N: That's like "Uncle Tom."

S: That's exactly it.  The chick version of "Uncle Tom.". Everyone is taught to hate women, but especially women.

N: By you.

S: Thank you and so, whenever a group is oppressed, like African American slaves, or women, many turn on each other trying to please the master.  It's a survival instinct.  Some slaves were grateful for what their masters gave them.  

N: So to explain why a woman would vote against a candidate who would fight for equal pay for women,  your reply is that women exercized the "Auntie Toms" inside them.  Even though they get less pay than men for the same job, they will actually vote against themselves because... what... they have gratitude?

S: Slavery is mental, not physical.  It's just like how you domesticate a dog.  You separate them from their families, give them a new name, tell them their sole purpose is to serve the master, usually in the house, that dog becomes what... man's best friend.  That's what women are still taught mostly around the world.  They're man's best friend.  The women who voted against Hillary support this view 100%, whether they understand or not.  It goes back generations and can't be grasped.

N: One of your signature achievements.

S: For sure.  And things will change, women will rule one day, but the human being is all the same to me.  I'll be there to manipulate that society and make them turn on each other.   Whether white people, Mexicans, Asians or black people run things, I will be there.   They've all ruled at some point and they collapsed like they always do.

N: But for now, you're making it appear like the Status Quo won?

S: Yes, even if female tennis players are paid the same as the men, that's new, that is  cataclysmic.  People are very vulnerable to fear right now.  You can make them do all sorts of stuff.  It doesn't matter if you're rich or a slave, change is very difficult.  Change is happening at lightning speed right now, so all the people who can't keep up are terrified of it.  And I prey on that.    The "grab their pussy" stuff, I leaked that.  It solidified Donnie's presidency.   

N: It showed that things haven't changed.  

S: Men are still men.  And that's secretly comforting.  

N: Trump is sort of a nostalgic figure himself.

S: Totally.  He was famous during the MTV generation.  Donnie talked about channeling Reagan, and the great feeling of America in the 80's.  Almost 40 years ago when CDs didnt even exist.  I told Donnie to say the Reagan stuff. What's funny is, Donnie is a much, much greater change than Hillary.  By the time his four years are up, America will not look the same anymore.   The planet itself will be very different, if I've done my work right.

N: Why are people so terrified of change?  Change is evolution.  It is the natural progression of things.

S: Because I'm portraying that change in an apocalyptic way.  Anything that's natural, evolutionary, when you feel fear from watching the news, chances are I planted that.  Look, hundreds of years ago, only Kings had everything they wanted. Most people worked 20 hours a day for a piece of bread.  But today, people can have everything they want.  The car, the video games, the phone, the whatever.  Now, like the kings, all you're thinking about is who might want to take it from you..  And if you're a man, you're very threatened.  And if you're a white man, the threat level is crazy.  Change equals losing your kingly things.  

N: You paint that picture.

S: Yes, totally,  Muslims, women, Mexicans, diseases, etc.  One of these evil things will take your car, apartment, dog, cat, children, phone away from you.  And now, if I can get you to make a decision based on that fear, like who to vote for, I have another slave.

N: Or Trump voter.

S: Fucking liberal, ha, ha.

N: So okay, let's be fair here, if the Republican party is the party fear, representing people who are afraid some strangers are going to invade their home and take what they have, what's the Democratic Party?

S: Look, there really is no Democratic or Republican Party.  If you were to lift up all of their principals since inception, both so-called parties shared ultimately the same values but at different times.  Lincoln's Republicans liberated African Americans and Donnie is re-enslaving them.  Nixon created the EPA.  Teddy Roosevelt protected National Parks.  Now, Pruitt is taking both apart with his bare hands.  He's putting the EPA into a paper shredder and having a yard sale on National Parks.  And the Alaskan Pipeline is bleeding like a stuck pig, ha, ha.

N: Okay, so Hillary represents change which is scary and Donald represents going back to the good old days.

S: Whenever you hear about nostalgia in politics, that is me.  You can't go back.  Human evolution is about going forward. 

N: But how did you get him to win?  I still don't understand.

S: Kennedy actually invented the strategy.  He called movie stars at night to ask for advice about how to manipulate his look, and modify his close up, and his hair and all that.  He understood the media.  Since then, that's how you won the White House.  Even though Donnie was very, very forward about who he is, whether he grabs pussies or whatever, people know that's its him they're voting for.  Whereas Hillary, you still don't know who she is.  

N: The person who most appears like themselves.

S: Like that's who they really are.  George W.Bush, Hillary's hubby, and especially Reagan.  They were very good at projecting a "genuine" image.  They're the entertainers.  

N: People will take "genuine" over good.

S: Definitely.  Because the "good" you're talking about appears "fake.". And like Donnie says, nobody wants to be a fucking fool.  Look, five hundred years ago, Donnie would have been a court jester and Hillary would have been the Queen of Whatever.

N: So, today court jesters run things.

S: And the real leaders, like Hillary, are left outside.  She would have been one of the greatest Presidents.

N: You're just saying that.

S: You'll never know now, will you?  The Bible warns you of false prophets for a reason.  I make the bad look "real" and the good look "untrustworthy."..  

N: And people make the choice.

S: People have to make the choice.  I can't just unleash evil.  I have to do it through people.  That's my job.  And once again, God owes me a beer.

N: You said there were two reasons why you wanted Trump to be President.  What's the second.  

S: What is the one thing God warns you about the most in The Bible, the most evil character - outside of me, of course.  

N: Homosexuality.

S: Come on, that's mentioned one time.  That was more of a germ thing.  I spun that, but no, that's not it.

N: I don't know, having your period.

S: That's also only mentioned once.  I wrote that, by the way, that teenage girls should be burned alive during that time of the month -- but it didn't catch on.  But that's still in the Bible.

N: Abortion.

S: Nothing about that in the Bible.  That's all me.  But that's another story.

N: Okay, who is the most vilified character in the Bible outside of you?

S: This is mentioned over 30 times in The Bible, if you don't believe me look it up.  The the one thing God repeatedly warns you not be... is a "rich man." And Donnie Trump is the ultimate "rich man."  Putting him in office is my big fuck you to God.

This is part I of 5 of my conversation with Satan about President Trump. In the next one, Satan elaborates on Trump in office, Scott Pruitt, and explains one of his favorite inventions, the Religious Right.