Satan and I had skirted on the subject before, but never in great detail and I saw Christmas 2012 as an opportunity to set some records straight. We met at the Starbucks in Santa Maria on Main Street yesterday afternoon, the 22nd of December.
N: So, the world did not end. We're still here.
S: As I said. End of the world fears go back a long, long time. People really have a kind of erotic fervor for the end of the days. It's romantic. And it always works in creating havoc and so on. But I admit, this particular time, it wasn't as big as I thought it would be. The world has become cynical.
N: Thanks to you.
S: You're welcome. And in some ways, people don't believe what they see as much as they used to. There's a lot of mistrust about the media. But we'll adapt to that.
N: Okay, so let's talk about Christmas.
S: Fire away.
N: You claim that you invented Christmas.
S: Let's be clear about a couple things and then you'll understand my genius even more.
N: Sure.
S: The thing about celebrating with loved ones at the end of the year, that's been around since the beginning. It's one of the oldest habits known to man. Way, way before The Bible was written. So, there's that.
N: And that was not called Christmas.
S: A lot of things, but not Christmas. "Saturnalia" was one name. The pagans had a particularly deep love of this holiday.
N: Okay.
S: I basically took a pre-existing habit and turned it into something evil.
N: Which is your bread and butter. Taking something good and converting it into evil.
S: I recycle like everyone else. A great example is of course, bottled water. I took one of your greatest natural resources and packaged it in petroleum encasing and now its a 4 billion dollar a year business. With Christmas, I took the most generous time of the year and turned it into the birthday of a God.
N: Jesus Christ.
S: Look, J.C. even credits me on this. He said, good one. As I said before, J.C. was born on September 27th.
N: So, what did you envision with Christmas.
S: I wanted to turn the most generous time of the year into the most stressful, difficult, hellish time of the year and I think I've achieved that. Americans will spend on average $650 every year on Christmas. Generally to buy things no one cares about. Stuff that will get thrown away and live in the oceans. In the name of J.C. And businesses are completely dependent on it. If you took Christmas away, the world would end.
N: And this is hard wired into our DNA anyway. This feeling of generosity.
S: Yes, you can't help it. Every society has a version of it, if not Christmas. Jews have Hannukka. Whatever. It's all good. You can't escape Christmas. Santa Claus.
N: Your invention?
S: Oh yeah. Santa was one of my greatest inventions. And you notice Santa has nothing to do with J.C. He's not in The Bible anywhere. There's no book of Santa Claus. He's a drunk, fat guy.
N: I always thought that idea of someone trespassing into your house and leaving you presents because they were aware of your behavior for the year was weird.
S: Because it is fucking weird!
N: So, why did you make him fat and drunk?
S: To promote eating and drinking as much as humanly possible. I'm not happy until people are having strokes and their stomachs are falling apart or they get diabetes or some other fucked up shit.
N: People actually feel compelled to eat more because Santa is fat?
S: Bro, he's a role model. He's a spokesman. You look up to him whether you like or not. That's the first thing they tell you when you're little. Santa is coming to town and so on. Fat guy knows if you've been naughty or nice. He can be anywhere. He brings children toys and other objects of desire. They say you have to be good, but let's be honest here. Good and bad kids receive gifts. And everybody knows it. So, in your mind, you're getting an object of desire no matter what and you feel jilted if you don't.
N: Sounds like "materialism"?
S: Bingo. It was materialism at its inception. We knew it would take a lot of generations before that desire for toys got buried in your DNA. Amazing that I made him bright red and still no one ever made the connection. Imagine Jesus coming off the fucking cross, going through your chimney, bleeding all over you living room, delivering you a present -
N: Right, no one would eat anything.
S: Yeah, people would be like Ghandi and fast - it would be a nightmare. Okay, if I have to go soon, fire away one last one.
N: Last minute Christmas shopping.
S: You know me, dude. Buy, buy, buy.
N: What's your favorite part of Christmas?
S: It was the door that opened the Christianity epidemic. I managed to turn a concept of generosity and kindness...
N: That being Christianity?
S: Yes, don't laugh. That's what it was, originally. But I managed to turn that concept of kidness and loving thy neighbor and what not into into the most genocidal bullies this world has ever known. And Christmas was the key. That makes my egg nog taste really good.
N: I know you already told me but tell me again for the readers who didn't read the conversation.
S: I can tell you a thousand times, bro. I'll never get bored. Emperor Constantine tried hard to make Christianity the official religion. But he could not bend the Pagans to his will. Took everything away from Pagan worshipping. So, I came up with the idea that they keep their holiday but worship - you know - someone else. And they accepted it. Instead of worshipping all that Earthly shit on December 25th, you worship baby Jesus! I'm lovin' that.
N: So, not only are you not worshipping Pagan God...
S: You're not worshipping Jesus either, because he wasn't born that day. He was born three fucking months ago! Man, I'm good.
N: So, Christmas is the inception of a mass genocidal concept, materialism and horrible eating habits.
S: As I said, one of my greatest ideas.
N: Why do you like Thanksgiving more then?
S: Because it's more transparent. You can connect the dots very easily. Christmas has more smoke screens. You can understand why humans have been manipulated. Thanksgiving is amazing, in the sense that people celebrate it so outrightly. It's proof that your people are evil at heart. That they would party on such a fucked up event. Anyway, really must get going. You want an egg nog.
N: It's digusting here. Everything tastes worse everytime I come here.
S: Thanks bro. I appreciate that. I really do. Merry Christmas.
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