Last Memorial Day weekend, the devil and I talked
about “The Separation of Church and State”, how one man almost single handedly
glued Church and State back together again, how much of an inspiration this guy
is to the devil. We met at the Starbucks in Marina Del Rey, off Admiralty.
S: I miss George.
N: So, W. really was evil.
S: Oh yeah. He
wasn't as evil as Chinaman and Rum Punch.
N: Do you mean, Cheney and Rumsfeld?
S: Right. Or
Range Rover.
N: Karl Rove?
S: I loved Range Rover. And Last Rites.
She was awesome.
N: Is "Last Rites" Condoleezza Rice?
S: She was great.
She was the poorest millionaire in the group. I called her "slumdog millionaire". Still, she has an oil tanker named after
her. You know, they were the
wealthiest cabinet in history. W.
was very proud of that.
(S. cries at this point)
God, I miss them.
They were one of my favorite teams. Like Celtics in the 60's or Lakers in the 80's.
N: So, they were all...
S: All my failed plans for a Nazi take over were replenished
in eight years. The result was
even greater than I anticipated.
As I said before, it made me lazy.
N: When we first met, you said you weren't directly behind
9/11...
S: With these guys, pure evil was on cruise control. I didn't have to be. I didn't even have to be the GM. I was
on the board of advisors. You don't
have to micromanage Michael Jordan.
N: Let me play devil's advocate here.
S: Ha, ha.
N: How was "The Bush Administration" evil?
S: We can elaborate more, as you put it, on the group
another time. Today, let's focus
on W.
N: Okay.
S: But the long and short of it was that this group managed
to glue church and state back together again. Those motherfucking forefathers
had the balls to separate church and state and it took me a couple hundred years to put
them back together – and I can say with certainty that the US is again a religious nation. Hallelujah.
N: And of course, W. spearheaded this, since he's...
S: A Christian, yes, and his intention all along was to get everyone in America to be a Christian as well. And when I interviewed George for the job...
N: You interview Presidential Candidates?
S: Duh. I asked
W. what his qualifications were?
Well, number one, he didn't even bring a resume.
N: And you know you had someone.
S: I was pretty excited. After eight years of Clinton. Motherfucker had the balls to balance the budget and shove
health care up our asses.
N: He didn't succeed.
S: No, but he created Cobra and other bullshit like that.
N: Did you have anything to do with his impeachment.
S: Everything.
But what the fuck does it matter?
He served both terms completely.
I was focused on the next guy by then.
N: Your wonder President.
S: Oh yeah. And
it wasn't easy. I mean, think
about how difficult it would have been if Gore won. It took a lot of effort to steal that shit.
N: I still don't understand what's unconstitutional about
recounting votes.
S: It's not.
Which is why it was so fucking difficult, dude. We had to convince the American public
it was "petty" and "whinny" and Gore was a sore loser,
blah, blah.
N: So, Gore won that.
S: Doesn't matter now.
N: The world would have been much different.
S: Gore wanted to protect the planet. We couldn't allow another Jimmy Carter
in the White House. Dickhead put
solar panels in the White House for Chrissakes! And actually said on TV that Americans were consuming too
much and he was worried about where the country was headed. NEXT! So, let's get back to W. I don't have a lot of time.
N: You're interviewing him.
S: Right. So,
you're interviewing a guy for the most important job on the planet. He tells you, he had a DUI. He went AWOL in the National Guard
during the Vietnam War. He was on
coke. Graduated College with a C
average. Bought an oil company
with Dad's money and bankrupted it, but not before selling off all the
stocks. Bought the Texas Rangers
with taxpayer's money. Became
Governor of Texas with the help of one of my favorite CEOs Ken Lay of Enron,
the Babe Ruth of corporations. I
was loving this guy, already, as you can imagine.
N: Did you offer uh... W. the position, at this point.
S: I was dumbstruck.
I couldn't believe this dude existed. Then, as Governor of Texas, his accomplishments included,
but was not limited to, making Houston worse than Los Angeles in
pollution. You know what you have
to do to beat LA in pollution?
This guy could do the impossible. He cut taxes to the point where he bankrupted the Texas
treasury. I might have been
masturbating in front of him by then.
He set the record for most executions. I wanted to blow this guy. I told W., look man, if you can what you did in Texas for
the whole country, I think we got something here.
N: What did he say?
S: Right on.
N: You had your guy.
S: I made sure all his records went missing. You can't find any of them. Anywhere. We basically used the same model in Germany to get Adolph
in. We shut down voting booths
where we knew Gore would get a lot of votes. And we did the same thing when he ran against Kerry. By then, no one cared, so...
N: Okay, recap W.'s accomplishments.
S: We would be here all day. Like talking about Michael Jordan. But let's see here... I'm very proud
that W. was the first President to have a criminal record, which is totally
amazing. He invaded two countries
at the cost of a billion dollars week, totally fucking depleting America's $431
billion surplus, basically bankrupting the U.S. Treasury, and of course turning
the dollar into a bitch currency.
It's lost about 50% value since motherfucker Clinton.
N: This also ended the U.S. Superpower status.
S: No money, no honey.
N: What about Aids Awareness in Africa? Wasn't W. behind that.
S: It's through the guise of organized religion. If W. had one stain on his record, this
would be it, but it wasn't. If
bringing White Jebus to Africa means bringing Aids Awareness or whatever, so be
it. Because ultimately, that's my
favorite Prez.
N: White Jesus?
S: Totally.
Without that guy, nothing runs like a well oiled machine of evil.
N: Okay.
S: Look, after Adolph was gone, it was like Michael Jordan
retired. I didn't think I'd find
another one. But after Adolph, the
world came together - except for Russia - and American became a
Superpower. After W. well.... You're going to experience that for a
loooooooong fucking time.
My MVP shattered all records. Biggest deficit in U.S. history. Most private bankruptcies in any 12 month period. First year in office, 2 million
American lost their jobs. Still
holds the world record for the most corporate campaign donations. Changed U.S. policy to allow convicted
criminals to be awarded government contracts. Appointed more convicted criminals to his administration
than any President in U.S. history.
Broke more international treaties than any President in
U.S.history. First President in
U.S. history to have the United Nations removed from the Human Rights
Commission.
(I have to add here that S. looks like she or he is getting
off on this. Voice shakes. Eye balls roll back a little. People at other tables stare at us. )
S: Of course, he set the record for fewest numbers of press
conferences of any President since the advent of television. Set the all-time record for most days
on vacation. After taking off the
entire month of August, 2001, he presided over, guess what, the worst security
failure in U.S. history.
N: 9/11?
S: Bingo. He
set the all-time record for most people worldwide to
protest him in public venues. I can go on and on.
N: Yeah, it's okay.
S: And he never found the perpetrator. And now, church and state are back
together again. All you need to do
with people is strike a little fear and bam, you can formulate any kind of
government you want.
Anyway, bro, I'm going to think about this shit all day if I
keep talking about it. You want to
anything else. Espresso. Cupcakes.
N: No thanks.
S: Hey, Happy Memorial Day. Church and state, baby. Back together again.
If you have any questions you’d like to ask the devil,
please request them below.
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