COFFEE WITH SATAN: MILK, IT DOES THE BODY GOOD

Milk.  Ever stop to think how bizarre it is that you drink the stuff?  That it's in everything.  As I've gotten older, I have gradually stopped drinking the stuff, for the simple reason that it makes me sick.  I asked Satan if s/he had anything to do with this.  And sure enough, the devil was very excited and had some pretty, pretty interesting things to say on the topic.  We met at the Starbucks on Westwood and Olympic, next door to Baskin Robbins.  

N: Milk is your creation.

S: The concept of drinking milk from other species is absolutely my invention, yes.  This was a 2,000  year plan – and it took off when we expected it to. 

N: Today, milk is in just about everything.

S: Hook, line and sinker.  Just shows you, everything good comes to those who wait. 

N: Or bad.

S: Yes.

N: Okay, why is drinking milk evil.

S: It’s actually very logical why milk is disagreeable to your body, if you stopped to think about it. 

N: But, part of your campaign is to eliminate thought –

S: Thinking is your greatest weapon, yes.  So, think of the times you’ve drunk milk.  Your stomach growls.   You feel like you’re going to shit a lighting bolt of  your ass. 

N: Right, it’s not a good feeling.

S: But you’re just so used to it that you it doesn’t register.  

N: Sure.  And it’s filling.

S: True.  That’s definitely why our milk campaign is as successful as it has been.  Milk is filling – even though it feels horrible in your body.

So, think about the milk definition now: it’s the primary source of nutrition for mammals – from the mamaries of their mothers – carrying the antibodies of the mother to the baby.

It’s one of nature’s purities and, I admit, grace – which is I why I harnessed it and turned it into pure evil.  We thought, let’s get people to drink the milk of other species – cows, goats, what have you – and when this first began, it was kind of weird.  Not everyone bought into it.

N: So, the vitamin D is what?

S: It’s there, but you’re suckling from the breast of another animal!   And now it’s weird if you DON’T do it.  Which is totally awesome, right? 

N: But, why is it bad for you?

S: Why is bestiality bad for you?  You’re basically making out with an animal.  The proteins of that animal is in your body.  Your body doesn’t  need the antibodies of that animal.  Your body doesn’t even recognize it.  The strange proteins confuses your body and fucks it up badly over time – and we got the world chugging gallons of this stuff – on a daily basis.  Give credit where credit is due, money!

N: So, it causes – cancer – diabetes –

S: It’s causing shit that hasn’t even been labeled yet – as well as D.C.H.D. – Diabetes, Cancer, Heart Disease.

N: I remember when I was kid watching cartoons, the milk commercials:

“Milk it does, milk it does –  ”

S: “- milk it does the body good.  Pass it on.” Yea, yea.  That’s me. 

N:  I recall finding it strange that the commercial was promoting just milk – not a brand of milk like Knudsen, Bordon or Swiss – just drink milk.  Any kind of milk.  Just drink it.

S: Right, it would be like a commercial that just says, drink soda – any kind of soda – doesn’t matter.  Just drink soda.  It’s good for you.  We haven’t been able to achieve that yet – but we came close with Vitamin Water.

N: Because of the word vitamin is on it.

S: Put vitamin on anything and people will spend money to put that vitamin thing in their mouths.  We’ve had bets.  You could put vitamin on dick and people will buy it and chug it.  I swear to god.  It’s one of my favorite words, Vitamin – not to mention that vitamins don’t really do anything for your health anyway.

N: Really.  What about all the vitamins in it.

(Satan laughs very uproariously.  He’s nearly in tears)

S: What vitamins.

N: Like A, C, E, all those –

S: You can’t isolate a vitamin.  Don’t you see, my teams has formed a habit wherein, let’s say you need vitamin C – you don’t reach for an orange or a lemon – you pop a pill that actually fucks you up – that says Vitamin C on it.

N: So, there’s not vitamin C in that pill?

S:  It’s like aborted vitamin C.   And have you seen the chemicals that is used to wrap the vitamin with?

N: Vitamin supplements are bad for you?

S:  You’re sucking vitamin C out of a fruit and stuffing into a pill made out of something toxic.   The more illogical it sounds, the more people are into it – it’s a amazing how laughable you people are, right?

N:  I don’t take vitamins. 

S: You did at some point.

N: So, milk is bad for you, vitamins are bad for you, and it’s common knowledge that a lot of the foods we eat is really bad for you -

S:  Bro, you have no idea –

N: What does making people sick do for you?

S: Most selfish people are sick people.  We’ve always been aiming for a society where people only think about themselves.  No matter how generous or kind you are, if you’re sick, you don’t give a fuck about anybody – your brain turns into oatmeal – the horrible shit you put in your body takes you down mentally – over time –

N: Just in the time for the holidays.

S: We’ll get to that, next time.  I gotta jam.  You want a Latte or something. 

N: No thanks.

S: It’s tasty.

N: One more quick question about milk – what about low fat – non fat milk?

S: Bonus.  I wish I created those.  But think about these things.  Milk, by definition, is fat.  So, non-fat milk is milk-less milk.  They use a chemical to strip the fat – and the remainder is just fat residue with chemical additives – it’s equal to having the grim reaper come in your mouth.  It’s so awesome.  I always tell my guys, we need to come up with the next non-fat milk “thing”.