I caught up to our friend, Satan, before the holidays to elaborate on the devil's favorite holiday of all time, Thanksgiving. We had skirted on the subject before, but this was a conversation I definitely wanted to elaborate on. We met at the Starbucks in front of Costco's on Washington Blvd.
N: Why is "Thanksgiving" your favorite Holiday again?
S: We're talking about the biggest fucking banquet of the year - and who doesn't like that?
N: American Indians.
S: If you want to be a party pooper, sure.
N: So, did you invent "Thanksgiving"?
S: What do you think?
N: Okay, why did you invent "Thanksgiving"?
S: What is a Holiday, bro?
N: A day off? A mini-vacation?
S: Sure, on the surface. That is the exchange that I make with the public, generally. In exchange for a day or some days off, I ask them to celebrate said day with whatever I wish. If you offer lots of food - that is, a titanic meal that requires three stomachs - they will celebrate what you give them.
N: And in the case of "Thanksgiving", what are we actually celebrating?
S: Okay, this is why this holiday is soooo awesome. Let's say you allowed a group of homeless people into your house tonight.
N: Okay.
S: You feel bad for them. So, you let them eat dinner with you and your family.
N: Hmmm...
S: Then, you go to sleep...
N: Yes...
S: Then, they fucking rape your wife, choke your mother, kill your father, molest your kids, rip your dog... and make you watch... and then, they kick out of your house...
N: Okay.
S: But, it's not over yet. Every year, no matter where you live, where you go, you know these people who are in your house are celebrating that lovely day - and not only that - every house in the country is celebrating that day. The day you expressed generosity and they raped your family is a national holiday. Voila!
N: You're reffering to the Pilgrims.
S: Money, there weren't Pilgrims at the time. They weren't buckles or black hats then. That shit we put in later. You have to hand it to me.
N: Okay, let me play devil's advocate here. Isn't there a history of giving thanks that goes back hundreds of years...
S: Sure. And this is why I'm a genius and J.C. let's me run things down here. This is the only holiday where the people that were "raped" are at the butt of the joke. Families have the most amazing meal of the year, celebrate their togetherness when the history of this violent act demolished millions of families... and in fact, a whole nation - and that is why it would be like Adolph Hitler dancing on concentration camps.
N: Why did you need a holiday celebrating the destruction of the American Indian. I mean, I know you're evil, but what is the purpose behind it?
S: The function - and there are many parts to this - is for the US to continue its practice guilt-free. At the back of people's mind, if coming to this country and taking it from some backward people can be a holiday, then why not keep doing it? People, by eating, drinking and celebrating with loved ones, are unconsciously telling themselves it's okay.
N: You mean, colonization? We still do it?
S: Sure, in your modern history... Puerto Rico, Israel, Hawaii, The Virgin Ilsands and under the guise of Democracy, Iraq, Pakistan for sure... really, the Middle East is a place you guys would like to have.
N: And Thanksgiving is an outlet for that?
S: Yes, the biggest banquet of the year - an awesome meal that features every food group, drink, companionship, friendship and family members you never heard of - is the door to more colonization. You know, as an American, you probably rarely stop and think what others may think of what you're doing - and if I'm doing my job, you never will. Nobody wants to read what I'm saying. It's just going to ruin their appetite, which is awesome and just the way I designed things.
N: So, to sum this up "Thanksgiving" is the public support of the practice of colonization?
S: Sure, but to your credit, my team knew we needed an awesome meal to do this. This meal had to be killer. And for that, we need the biggest, fattest fucking bird imaginable. I wanted giraffe, but my team convinced me otherwise. And they were right.
N: How would giraffes fit on a dinner table?
S: I thought the beast could be cut into pieces and I had this whole thing about how a whole neighborhood could chase it and slaughter it together... anyway, it was, they were right, I went too far with that. I'm saving that for another thing.
N: Oh.
S: And so, the wild turkey was the chosen fatass, despite Benjamin Franklin's insistence. You know, Benny wanted wild turkeys on the American Flag at one point?
N: Did he really?
S: I don't know. Who cares?
N: Alright, great, well, I suppose you're going to eat well tomorrow.
S: Fuck yea. I'm eating all that shit. Turkey, mashed potatoes, pie, I want thousands of calories in me and every fucking American in this country. Happy Thanksgiving! And oh, don't miss Black Friday. You'll need the exercise.
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